Monday, December 10, 2018

I wanted to write a poem today



I wanted to write a poem today
But then I remembered
“They're all the same”

I wanted to write a poem today
But then I remembered
“I've written this one before”

I wanted to write a poem today
But then I remembered
“They can't be sung”

I wanted to write a poem today
But then I remembered
“Allan Ginsberg did that for you”

I wanted to write a poem today
But then I remembered
All of the sing-songy pretense to poetry I'd hated before

I wanted to tell you about my anger today
But then I remembered your telling me
“You're wrong!”

I wanted to tell you about my pain today
Then I remembered you telling me
“Feelings don't matter!”

I wanted to ask why I hurt so much
But then I heard you say
“You'll have to get used to it”

I wanted to tell you “You're hurting me!”
But before I could say anything you told me
“The world is a cruel place”.

I wanted you to embrace me, and tell me,
“You're safe, I will take care of you.”
But instead you told me “You need to toughen up.”

So I took the anger I was wrong about,
So I took the pain that doesn't matter,
So I took the hurt delivered for the world through you
So I thought of the embrace you would not give me
And went into the world to learn.

And through schools and books and the accumulated wisdom of humanity,
Through movements for peace and justice,
And churches where people love people,
Through the love of a woman in search of me,
Through therapy
Through the jobs I've had
the services I've asked for
the benefits I've received,
Through the cars I've owned, or driven for others,
and the buses and trains I've ridden,
Through the apartments I've rented, the places I've camped, and the cars I've slept in,
Through the meetings I've sat through, and the conferences I've attended,
while I searched for meaning and joy
And then I remembered, “You're nobody, You're worthless, nobody wants you around".

So when I awoke today
And heard you tell me
“You're not safe”

I made coffee
and sat at my table,
I stared at this page and lifted this pen,
struggled awhile with what I would mean,
and want to say,
And wrote this poem, today.